The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
