I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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