I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
