I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
