i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
