So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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