I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
