Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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