I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
