If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
