so explain again why im purple
no
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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