I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
he shaved USA in his pubs
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
why does every cop we meet know your name?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
