filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize