she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
