hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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