It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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