A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
