That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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