then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
