i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
