this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
