he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
