Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
