I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
