Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
