i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
