matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
