Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
