Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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