Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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