i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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