my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
