Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
My balls are so social today.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
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