what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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