If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
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