My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
