we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
