I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
soo... how was my night?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
