Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
