when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
