Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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