I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
