she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
