I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
so let's talk penis.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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