Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
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