My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
