I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
