I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize