i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
