i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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