my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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