I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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