a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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