I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
So squirting runs in the family.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
