Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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